humor

I can tell you the meaning of life, but you have to promise not to laugh.
— unknown
[ humor | life | unknown ]
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | life | The Simpsons | work ]
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
— Earl Wilson
[ Earl Wilson | humor | life | money ]
Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | language | The Simpsons ]
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
— unknown
[ humor | irony | unknown ]
Sarcasm? What's that?
— unknown
[ humor | irony | unknown ]
Ask me about my vow of silence!
— unknown
[ humor | irony | unknown ]

Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rain forest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

— Homer Simpson

[ humor | irony | problems | The Simpsons ]
Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | irony | math | The Simpsons ]
Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, good-night.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | irony | The Simpsons ]
The Internet's sole purpose is to get porn and bomb making plans into the hands of children.
— unknown
[ humor | internet | unknown ]
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.
— unknown
[ humor | intelligence | unknown ]
There are no stupid questions, however there are alot of inquisitive idiots.
— unknown
[ humor | intelligence | unknown ]
Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | intelligence | The Simpsons ]

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

— Bart Simpson & Homer Simpson

[ humor | intelligence | The Simpsons ]
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