humor

If a duckling is a small duck, I'm canceling my order of dumplings.

Politics is like driving...if you want to go backwards, choose R. If you want to move forward, choose D.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, blue-green meat is bad for you.

Psychodelic drugs cause paranoia, confusion, and total loss of reality in politicians that have never taken them.

People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.

Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense

The first 90% of a task takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90%.

If cars had followed the same development path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

What's the difference between a used car salesman and someone who sells computers? A used car salesman knows he's lying -- and can drive.

When I wash the cat, it takes hours to get the hair off my tongue.

Thousands of years ago, the Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.

It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.

I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible.