The Simpsons

Smithers: Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer: I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.

— The Simpsons

[ humor | The Simpsons | work ]
Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | The Simpsons | work ]
You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ...
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | The Simpsons | work ]
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | technology | The Simpsons ]

Homer: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart: Like what?
Homer: I'll tell you when you're older.

— Bart Simpson & Homer Simpson

[ humor | sex | The Simpsons ]
And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | power | The Simpsons ]
Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | money | The Simpsons ]

[Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Oh, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

— The Simpsons

[ humor | money | The Simpsons ]
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | life | The Simpsons | work ]
Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | language | The Simpsons ]

Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rain forest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

— Homer Simpson

[ humor | irony | problems | The Simpsons ]
Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | irony | math | The Simpsons ]
Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, good-night.
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | irony | The Simpsons ]
Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...
— Homer Simpson
[ humor | intelligence | The Simpsons ]

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

— Bart Simpson & Homer Simpson

[ humor | intelligence | The Simpsons ]
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